Love vs Attachment: Healing Attachment Trauma
We often think that love should feel intense, all-consuming, or even a little scary. But there’s a key distinction that many people miss: love expands you; attachment contracts you.
How to tell the Difference Between Love and Attachment
If being with someone makes you feel smaller, anxious, unsure of your worth, or constantly needing reassurance, that isn’t love. That’s your nervous system clinging on.
When this happens, your body is operating in survival mode. You may notice patterns like:
Overthinking every text or interaction
Walking on eggshells to avoid conflict
Silencing your needs to keep the other person close
Feeling like your mood depends entirely on their attention or approval
These are signs of attachment-driven behaviour, not genuine love. Love, in contrast, feels steady, safe, and nurturing. It allows you to remain fully yourself while being deeply connected to another.
Why Attachment Happens
Attachment patterns often come from early life experiences, moments where our needs weren’t fully met, or where love felt conditional and most often occurring in childhood with parental love. These experiences shape how your nervous system responds in relationships, triggering fear, anxiety, or overdependence.
Practical Tools for Everyday Living
One of the most empowering aspects of my therapeutic approach is learning practical tools to shift these patterns quickly. These strategies help you regain your sense of safety, regulate your nervous system and feel secure in your relationships.
With these tools, clients often experience meaningful relief within just 3–6 sessions. Some examples of these tools include:
Techniques to notice and interrupt anxious or reactive thoughts before they spiral
Ways to ground yourself in your body, helping you feel steady even in emotionally charged situations
Exercises to strengthen internal reassurance, so you don’t rely entirely on others for validation
Methods to reframe relationship dynamics, helping you choose connection from choice rather than fear.
For many clients, these practical strategies are transformative on their own, they feel more confident, calm and connected, and some clients find that these tools are enough for them and don’t feel the need to delve deeper.
Exploring the Roots of your Issue
For those who wish, therapy also offers the opportunity to explore the deeper roots of attachment patterns. This deeper work can uncover early experiences and beliefs that shaped how your nervous system learned to cling. By addressing the source, you gain lasting freedom in relationships, a stronger sense of self and a healthier capacity to love and be loved.
My therapeutic approach is flexible: some clients find the practical tools sufficient, while others choose to explore the underlying patterns at their own pace. Either way, you are supported to move from survival mode to secure, nurturing connection and agency in your relationships (parental, family, partners, children and friends).
Reclaiming Your Capacity to Love
When you learn to recognise the difference between love and attachment, you reclaim your sense of self and open the door to relationships that are truly nurturing.
💛 If you feel stuck in patterns of anxiety, overdependence, or uncertainty in your relationships, contact me for a free 15-minute consultation. Together, we can explore practical strategies for relief and, if you wish, the deeper roots that keep these patterns in place, Geraldine.
