Are you a mirror? And what does being a mirror mean?
Are you a mirror of other people’s needs and wants? Is the opinion of other people more important to you than your own opinion? Do you have difficulty in recognising or expressing your needs? Do you say Yes when you mean No? If you answer yes to these questions, then you may be a mirror.
Mirroring is the result of a childhood conditioning pattern that so subtle, so hidden, that you cannot see or understand it.
As a child you were not raised to be an individual, with independent thoughts, feelings, emotions. You were not raised to explore and set boundaries, to have your own opinions, to express your emotions freely. You were taught that to have emotions or needs was a burden on other people and was not welcome.
You were raised to reflect; reflect back to others what they needed to see. You were created to reflect what they needed to validate their own identity, soothes their fears, bolster their ego, mirror their emotional needs. Always to consider the needs of the other before your own.
You were taught to smile when smiling was required, to nod and agree when you actually disagreed, to give help without considering whether you wanted to help or not, to be everything that others required you to be without considering yourself. You were taught to suppress who and what you are. You were taught to merely reflect.
You existed, yet ‘You’ did not exist. ‘You’ were not seen, ‘You’ were not heard, ‘You’ were imprisoned behind the mirror.
And the more perfectly you mirrored what was required, the more acceptance, praise, ‘love’ you received. You learned, at a very early age, to be the best mirror that you could be. And you needed to be the perfect mirror in order to have your childhood needs met. Being the prefect mirror ensured that you received the parental/caregiver security that every child requires for growth and survival.
Children are hardwired to do whatever is necessary to ensure their survival and that involves them being exactly what they are required to be in order to gain their parents approval. This psychological need is built into the human brain from birth and is an intense requirement for emotional attention, understanding, support, connection and approval from our parents/caregivers. From birth, every baby needs to feel emotionally connected to their parents. This need is subconscious and very powerful and drives the choices we make throughout our lives, the choices we make in careers, partners, financial decisions, everything.
But you never got the chance to be yourself, you learned to suppress everything that you were. ‘You’ were never seen. You were useful, accommodating, but never seen.
When you did not reflect what was required, your were punished, labelled as selfish, over sensitive, disobedient, disruptive, a problem child.
As you grew and tried to set boundaries, you noticed that people pulled away from you, were displeased with you, withdrew their support. As a child or teenager, this withdrawal of the parent(s) is very frightening, it rocks the foundation of your life, makes you fearful for your very survival.
And so you quickly learn to become the perfect mirror again. You become what others require you to be in order to regain that sense of security and acceptance that every child needs.
Growing up in an emotionally neglectful or abusive family has profound effects on how you feel in later life. When your feelings are negated or ignored, it affects the choices you make and your perceptions of yourself as an adult.
And the fact that you are reading this means that you are starting to see the truth. And it is such a hard and painful truth, that you have never been loved or accepted for yourself but only for being what others required you to be, for being useful. You don’t know who you really are. You are buried so deep under the layers of ‘what others need’ that you can’t even see yourself. But ‘You’ are there and ‘You’ are reading this.
Who is behind the mirror? The real you has needs, emotions that want to be expressed. You were born to be a being of light, not a reflection of other’s light.
The finding of ‘You’ means learning how to say “no” instead of “yes”, setting boundaries that you keep despite others being angry or resentful of these boundaries, learning to be ok with not feeling ok, to sit with the discomfort of other peoples displeasure and not being moved by it. Starting to put yourself first in all things and ignoring those that call you selfish. Choosing the truth of you over the seeming comfort of being accepted.
You are not a reflection of other people’s needs, you are You!
Even if it means that the people in your life may no longer accept you, you much choose yourself first. Even if they try to make you feel shame for doing so, choose yourself.
Being true to yourself all starts with truth. Your truth, about yourself. Break the mirror and look at yourself, look at all of you and really see you. Know your truth and shine it on other people, they will either accept you or not, that is their choice. Those that don’t accept you, have never really accepted you, merely tolerated you because you reflected back to them what they needed. They have only ever accepted your reflection.
This journey will not be easy but it will be worthwhile. And you do not walk it alone, there are many of us walking alongside you.
I’m Geraldine and if you would like me to help you on your emotional release journey, contact me, email me at geraldinefay@mail.com or call/text me 00353 86 4554748.
I meet clients in my therapy room near Louth Village, outside Dundalk west in Co. Louth. We can also meet online via zoom or whatsapp video or telephone call. Call me to talk and we can go from there with no obligation.